Dabbling in Journaling....

I think that I am at a crossroads in life.  Not knowing what I want and trying to figure out just the person I am.  I guess with turning 40 this year I am trying to figure out my meaning in life.  Have I accomplished as a mom what I wanted to accomplish (with my older sons) and what do I still have yet to do with my daughter who's still at home.  I guess too, I am reflecting on what memories and things about me and my life do I have to leave behind for my children to know the real me?  I say the real me because my sons were raised mostly in their dad's home and visited me.  I had always hoped when they became adults that living closer to mom and getting to know mom better would be something that they'd choose to do.  Not so, they are still where they feel at home which is closer to dad.  I've done a lot of reflecting to see if they really know the person who gave them life?  My youngest son did come and spend not quite a year with us and he seen a different side to me than he knew.  He also had all these ideas of his mom in his head that I guess aren't altogether bad...but not totally me either.  I think he sees me as the June Cleaver mom.  Always so pleasant, cooking or baking and going to church and just your overall good person. 

My sons haven't gotten to see me in a loving and healthy marriage.  They only remember with their dad.  My marriage now is wonderful and very strong.  I have a great man to share my life with.  We moved away from my sons going on eight years ago.  My husband and I have been together twelve years.  My son while he was here could see the playful side of mom, the healthy loving side of mom and just how a happy marriage looks like.  He also got to experience mom very happy in life.  I may not have a lot but I have more happiness through love.  My family is close and we connect all throughout the day.  Numerous times he would say "Mom! gosh Mama before she was mama!!" and laugh.  Usually when I was joking and picking with my husband.  The first time he said that made me stop and really think am I so different?  No, I'm not...they just never got to experience for very long periods of time me in a happy relationship and I was single for a very long time. 

So, my journals that I will be doing are for my kids.  For them to get to know the personal side of mom.  They already know the other sides of mom but with my sons about 3000 miles away, this is what they miss out on.  My daughter, she has the advantage, but I hope will treasure the journals I do as memories she has of me. I love my family more than anything and there's nothing I wouldn't do for them.